Searching
If you could use just one
single word
to describe your life
since February
what would it be?
Think about that for a moment. It’s quite the question.
Surreal? Bizarre? Hopeful? Perhaps words associated with togetherness or community first come to mind? Or maybe it’s the complete opposite & your initial thought is of loneliness. What about unprecedented? That one wouldn’t surprise me to be honest, we’ve heard it on every news bulletin since this story began to unfold. Endless? Desperate? Fruitful? What about entertaining? That’s a good one, isn’t it? From the notorious Tiger King to various social media challenges, Disney+ to Donald Trump’s daily White House briefings, there has been no shortage of entertainment that’s for sure.
What if I told you mine was searching? Yes, searching. Not the most obvious word, I know. In fact, I’m quite certain you’re wearing an expression of bewilderment after learning my unassuming answer. Before you reject my reply, however, let me explain.
I’ll begin by admitting that I’ve been on quite the personal journey since January. Journey makes it sound fun, doesn’t it? So perhaps I should rephrase that. Instead, let’s say I’ve been riding an emotional rollercoaster for the first four months of this year. I’m not quite ready to share all the goings on of my heart just now, however, I do want to acknowledge that the crisis we’ve faced with COVID-19 has resulted in some darker days of despair. In particular, the past two weeks have been testing to say the least, an abyss of tears & grief that at times I couldn’t see beyond.
It began shortly after I finished an article for a new editor. I worked hard for several days, researching & writing to meet the deadline. On receiving glowing feedback when all was complete, I immediately felt accomplished. It was time to move on to the next project while riding the high. The trouble was, I didn’t know what was next & so began my search.
What started as simply inquiring about work turned into searching for motivation, which progressively turned into seeking purpose. Unfortunately, the more I attempted to define this much broader intention, the more I felt completely lost. My unoccupied mind wandered to torturous worst case scenarios & faster than I could say “coronavirus” my thoughts were crowded with negativity. Cue the hard to weather life storms & the accompanying heartache that seems to intensify when there is less work to distract me.
In addition to this deeper personal quest, there were every day searches that had fast become the norm. Searching “COVID-19” on Google. Searching news sources for updates. Scientists searching for a cure. Searching for a new show to watch on Netflix. The entire developed world searching for toilet roll, yeast, & flour. Searching for banana bread recipes. Searching exercise at home options. Searching for answers. Stranded travelers searching for a way to get home Searching social media. The list goes on. After a couple of especially somber days I started to grow tired of it all, that is until I happened upon this photograph.
In a much needed moment of synchronicity, searching led me to this simple frame buried on a hard drive; an image I’d captured on the southern shores on England & had looked at only once. On discovering it yesterday afternoon I stopped to examine it properly & immediately felt a calmness wash over me. I can’t quite fully explain it, but suddenly, I felt like I’d found purpose once more. I began to look for a quote to accompany the image. Words that helped to explain this rollercoaster I’ve been on. I paused to think about what I was doing. Searching, again. Thankfully, however, without really looking there it was. A quote that said it all.
“Listen to the murmur
of water and you’ll hear
Mother Nature.
Listen to the
stillness beneath,
and there you’ll find God.”
You see, my recent personal journey has included a much greater search than all of the above. As we bid 2019 farewell four months ago, I spent some time contemplating what I really wanted not just for the year ahead, but for all that follows. A recurring theme I kept coming back to was faith, however, I didn’t know where to begin.
I went to the mosque. I went to the cathedral. I tuned into Sunday services. I tried praying aloud. I recited verses in my head. I read classics by C.S. Lewis followed by more modern interpretations on how to pray. In short, I was searching for God. Little did I know when I began to look for Him that He had in fact been there all this time. I just hadn’t listened.
It’s been four months & I’m still searching for so much, especially during this unprecedented situation (forgive me, I couldn’t resist). I will no doubt continue to Google “coronavirus” regularly & I’ll always be searching for purpose. There will be future moments of anguish of that I am certain, however, when those harder to navigate storm clouds appear on the horizon, I’ll be revisiting this image to remind me of all that I’ve found during this surreal start to the year. In this particular moment as I think about what my word to describe life since February really means to me, I find myself casting aside the everyday seeking for a willingness to continue the greatest discovery of all. Today, I’m so glad I’ve learned to have faith in this uneasy time combining personal struggle with a global pandemic. I’m truly grateful to have found God.
“How can you seek God
if he’s already here?
It’s like standing in the ocean
and crying out,
’I want to get wet.’
Grace comes to those
who stop struggling.
When it really sinks in
that there’s nothing
you can do to find God,
he suddenly appears.
That’s the deepest mystery,
the only one that counts.”