Coffee chat
It's been a hard week. I can't honestly tell you why, although I wish I could. I want to be able to say the weather made me feel blue or I've been sick, but that would be a lie. The sun is shining gloriously and I feel perfectly fine.
I'm currently sat at my desk with a cup of freshly brewed coffee, analyzing my life and why this week has sucked. You could say I'm having a "coffee chat" with myself...
So where do I begin? Let's start with Easter weekend, which seemed to be nothing short of incredible highs and painful lows. Quite frankly, holidays are the worst when your family is 3500 miles away.
Saturday and Sunday were both peppered with delicious Easter food {including a chocolate cake to die for}, and bouts of tears. One minute I was happy and chatting excitedly, the next I was wailing about how much I wish we lived in England. I was literally an emotional rollercoaster all weekend.
Since Monday, I've struggled to get out of bed at the sound of my alarm, my motivation has been in the gutter, I've eaten more chocolate than I care to admit {the chocolate cake is really good}, and I haven't been to the gym once despite thinking about it every single day, which is even worse.
Last month I openly admitted my longing to be a better morning person; there is no doubt I'm at my most productive and inspired first thing. If I choose to hit snooze I feel overwhelmingly guilty when I eventually get out of bed, which then becomes a common theme for the remainder of the day. Sigh.
On days where I feel terribly guilty, I spend a lot of time thinking about where I want to be vs. actually doing something to get me there. By the time 6pm rolls around, I start to question what I've achieved, which inevitably leads to contemplation about what could have been accomplished if I'd started the day by jumping out of bed and bouncing down the stairs with a spring in my step.
It's a vicious circle. I feel like I'm turning into a habitual procrastinator and the crushing guilt that accompanies such an ugly trait is driving me insane.
I'm openly sharing my issue over this morning's coffee in the hope that perhaps saying it aloud {or in my case, typing it for all to read} will create some kind of earth shatteringly amazing epiphany, because God only knows I really need one right now.
The time I spend thinking about where I want to be seems so wasteful to me. For clarification, these thoughts can be mightily huge, or simple dwellings on teeny tiny tasks. Take this one for example, instead of just going to the grocery store and picking-up everything on our shopping list, I spend all day thinking about when the best time to go might be. Silly, right?
More complex and thought-provoking ponderings include where I am on what I like to call this journey to find my creative self. Again, instead of doing something that may take me a step in the right direction, I puzzle over what I consider to be the finish line and wind-up getting frustrated that I'm a long way from it.
As I write these feelings down, the sad truth is I know the only barrier in preventing me from going to the grocery store, or creating a recipe for the blog is me. I am my own worst enemy sometimes and while it's beneficial to stop and mull things over every now and again, I don't want to become consumed by the guilt that burdens me every time I feel as though I've been unproductive.
And as if fruitless daydreaming and staggering levels of guilt aren't enough, I struggle constantly with my desire to run before I can walk and don't even get me started on my battle with perfectionism.
In short, I am the world's biggest Debbie Downer this week. Womp womp.
During a particularly rough low yesterday afternoon, a dear friend reminded me that when one feels sad, defeated, angry, or guilty for whatever reason, it's worth taking a moment or two to simply count your blessings. It's an uncomplicated task that requires just a little bit of thought and energy, but it's one that has worked for me twice since she told me about this exercise.
After pausing to write down my list a few moments ago, I have immediately begun to put things into perspective. The dense fog inside my head is lifting, the guilt I've been harboring is evaporating, and I'm thankfully starting to feel motivated once more. Perhaps this coffee chat was the epiphany I was praying for after all? : )
As I finish-up my cup of Joe and draw to a close, I'm reminded that despite my being ridiculously hard on myself sometimes, I have already come a long way in reaching the ribbon at the end of the race. With that though, I have to point out that the finish line will always be moving and while I may feel a few steps closer tomorrow, next week could tell a different story.
What is it they say though, small steps, right? So, today is indeed a new day and while I can't promise I wont eat another slice of chocolate cake, I can make a vow to remember my blessings and do my best to accomplish Thursday's task list.